"They're So Lucky!"

Before I start, I want to say: please don’t take this post as a rant. I am not angry. I simply intend it to be informational.

So I’ve been told MANY times over the last 7 years, many variations of the comment, “Your kids are so lucky!” That’s a hard comment for an adoptive parent to respond to, for a couple reasons.

First, (at least for us) we didn’t just adopt because we’re some outstanding, upstanding citizens. Absolutely, we wanted to provide a child a home, but we also wanted to have a family. We were not able to have biological children, so honestly, that was our first reason for adopting. If we’d been able to have biological children, the possibility of adopting may not have even crossed our minds. Now, there’s a much longer story to this, that I believe that God used the heartache and trials we went through with infertility to bring us to his plan for our lives, to adopt our 4 children. The “What-Ifs” could go on and on, but to have a family was our primary reason for adopting. God blessed US with these children. Yes, I pray every day that I can be a blessing to each one of my children. But if you asked them some days if they were lucky to have us as parents, they might think back through us making them help with dishes, do their homework, or behave at school before they’re allowed certain privileges, they might say no. Ha!

Secondly, and this one is a little harder for many people to hear… No child who has been adopted has had a beautiful, wonderful life. The kids have come to this place in their lives from such loss that most people, including myself, may never experience. Think about it. You were born to a family who couldn’t or wouldn’t take care of you, into poverty or abuse or health crisis or neglect. You were torn from everything you’ve ever known – even if it wasn’t that great to begin with, and sent to – or left at – an orphanage or a strange foster home. You lived there for several months or a couple years – sometimes having visits with your biological parent(s), which confused you a lot. Then after living in that orphanage or foster home, you were yet again torn away from what you know – that you may or may not have gotten used to – and sent somewhere else strange to live. They eat different foods. They look different. They may speak a different language or maybe a few words that you know but they don’t understand you. There are two parents who tell you they love you and you’re safe (what’s that?!?). You’re scared, confused, vulnerable, sad, angry. You are grieving all you’ve lost in your short life. You wonder if these new people will stick this time, and if not, when your next move will be. You start to trust them, ever so slightly, only for those fears to creep back in. They try to help you understand, and tell you again that it’s safe, that they’re here for you, they’re your forever family. It seems that maybe, just maybe, these new parents are in this for the long haul… maybe. Can I trust them?

Adoption is messy. It’s not easy. The cycles of grief and renewing trust and hope and love, repeat themselves day after day, month after month, year after year with some kids. The kids aren’t lucky. But I understand the comment, and I don’t fault people making that comment. I may have said the same comment to others prior to adopting myself – or maybe even since adopting, before I had a chance to think through my own thoughts on my children’s pasts. I know the comment comes from a lack of understanding, of not knowing – or maybe even not wanting to know – the messy details. (It’s not appropriate for adoptive parents to share all of their children’s messy details with everyone anyway.) I’m a non-confrontational person, so instead of responding with the big long explanation, I usually respond with some variation of, “Well, they’re God’s blessing to us, and I pray we’re a blessing to them.” Because that’s what you mean. You’re not thinking about what was in their past that brought them to us. You’re thinking of what could be possible for them in the future that may not have been possible had they remained in their previous situation. Our children, we pray, have a bright future ahead of them. We pray every day that the Lord guide us to help them in their healing and trusting, and learning to love again, and achieve their full potential of what God has planned for them, after their lives were shattered at such a young age.