Tantrums

I've gotten questions from a few other adoptive families about how we handle tantrums, so I thought I'd do a blog post about it. Granted, our style of handling James' tantrums may or may not work for an older child, or even a child of the same age and background as James. I've said before, lots of parenting is trial and error, and try again!

At any rate, James has been challenging us the last few weeks with some tantrums. The first few weeks he was home, we were almost exclusively using redirection as our discipline technique, but he's getting more comfortable and he's testing his boundaries. He's too smart for, "James, let's play trucks!" when he knows we don't want him to push all the enticing buttons at the entertainment center, for example.

It usually is set off by him not getting his way - usually being told no (which we try to avoid if possible, but it's not always possible). If he doesn't obey, we tell him no a little more sternly. If he still doesn't obey, we remove him from the situation he was told no about (non-food in mouth, hitting a sibling, touching something he shouldn't, etc), either by taking away a toy, moving him away from the thing he shouldn't touch/hit, etc. Occasionally it's something we're asking him to do, like coming to us, putting something somewhere, sharing a toy with someone, etc.

James' tantrums aren't just the type where he throws himself on the floor. He wants to be held when he gets corrected, which I find to be reassuring - attachment-wise, meaning that he wants reassurance that we still love him when he's disciplined, which we easily give. However, he also can get really angry, so in addition to wanting to be held, he'll come running to the parent who's told him no, and hit us and tell us "No!" when he gets across the room.

This results in us holding his hands during the tantrum so as not to get hurt, which can cause things to explode. When he finally calms down, we reiterate the instruction and have him apologize and acknowledge the instruction. Sometimes it takes a few times and slight relapses into the tantrum before we get to this point. It can take 20 minutes to get to the point of him calming down too, which is really difficult and exhausting - both physically and emotionally for both of us!

Earlier this week, James was putting something in his mouth. I casually asked him to take it out of his mouth, which he did for a second, but immediately put it back in, smiling. I repeated the instruction, which he again disregarded, and then I took the toy away and put it out of his reach. He ran over to me, crying, and punched me on the legs. I picked him up, and told him he couldn't put that in his mouth, and he couldn't hit me. He exploded! He repeated the hitting and started scratching at me. When I held his hands so he couldn't scratch me, he then leaned over and tried to bite my hands so I wouldn't hold them. Kicking, screaming, and head-butting ensued. I have, on occasion, tried putting him down to throw his tantrum on the floor, but he wouldn't be put down - kept reaching for me, batting and clawing, so I held him, held his hands so he couldn't scratch or bite, etc. This went on for 15-20 minutes (with me calmly talking to him, asking him to stop), before he finally calmed down enough so that I could talk to him and get him to acknowledge the issues with the tantrum, and ultimately the issue with the toy in the mouth that started the whole thing. Once we're straight again, we just have to snuggle and calm down together for a few minutes before moving on to something else.

But they are getting better. Don't get me wrong, he still has them regularly, and occasionally a really long nasty one, like the one from earlier this week. But overall, they seem to be getting less frequent and less severe. Yesterday, for example, he was holding a plastic light-saber-type sword, and hit Elijah with it. I took the sword away and had him come talk to me. I had him apologize to Elijah, which he did, although reluctantly. Then I let Elijah go back to playing, and took him aside and told him no hitting. He cried and cried and just wanted to be held. When he stopped crying, I had him look at me and told him again for him to acknowledge, which he didn't like, so he scratched at me but wanted to either be held or get down from my lap - not sit on my lap and look at me/talk. When I held his hand and told him no scratching, he stopped. He just cried then, and wanted to be held, and after a few iterations of me repeating the instruction and him crying, he then acknowledged the instruction. I hugged him and then told him he could go play again.

Another time, I gave him his water cup, and he was mad because he wanted some juice in his cup instead of just water. We were getting ready to walk out the door to pick up the kids from school, so I just ignored him. He stood at my feet, jumped up and down trying to get me to pick him up, and screamed at me, even threw himself on the floor a couple times. I just ignored him, and he didn't try to hit or scratch my legs either, which made ignoring him easy - I usually can't ignore the scratching because it hurts! He calmed down in just a minute or so, took his water cup, and went to get his shoes.

When it's just a simple throwing a fit over not getting his way, at times I'm able to talk to James (if I can follow through with it), and ask him if he needs to go to bed - i.e. early naptime/bedtime. He'll usually immediately tell me "No" and stop his fit.

Because he's 2, I know his tantrums probably not going to be gone for good. I worry - probably as most parents do - whether I'm handling them the right way. I know it's best to ignore, but I also don't want to get hurt in the process of ignoring them, so I can't ignore the scratching and hitting when he comes at me. Because of his past - or our lack of knowledge of his past - we have to assume that there is some sort of fear involved in the tantrum, more-so than just a normal 2-year-old, I-didn't-get-my-way tantrum. Fear of being rejected, fear of being physically hurt, etc. So treading lightly in that area involves creative parenting techniques.

Maybe we're doing something right, though, because we are seeing progress! He is learning that tantrums don't work to get his way. He is learning that hitting, kicking, scratching, biting, and head-butting are not OK. He is learning that he does not like to get put in bed because of throwing a fit.