Lies & the Truth (Part II)

(continued)
...So not 15 minutes before, I'd had a conversation with Kaylen after I caught her in a blatant lie, over something very trivial. Now, I would understand a little better (although still unacceptable) if she were lying about something she thought she would get in trouble about...

Over dinner, Jock and I had some conversation about work, the happenings of the day. Then Kaylen pipes in with a tidbit of what happened in her day - and just came right out with it: "We were lining up, and C (a boy in her class) spit in my face -- for no reason at all!" (Nodding her head as if trying to convince herself and us that story was real.)

Now, let me tell you, after 2 1/2 years, we've learned to recognize when she's lying, and how to be real sly, so as to catch her in her lies so that she can't back out. So we innocently ask questions for her to tell us more about the story, without being accusatory. This takes practice, folks!

So, we ask her what she did after C spit in her face. She says she told a nearby teacher, and that teacher asked their names and who their classroom teacher was and said she'd make sure she told Mrs. S. what happened.

Then we ask what Mrs. S. did - if she talked to Kaylen and C about it later. Kaylen said yes. First Mrs. S. talked to Kaylen and asked her what happened and Kaylen told her that C spit in her face. Mrs. S. then asked Kaylen why she thought C did that to her, and Kaylen told her she didn't know - she didn't do anything to him. (Again nodding her head trying to be very convincing as she's recalling the story to us - she probably nodded like that to Mrs. S. too.)

I then ask her if Mrs. S. then asked C what happened. She said yes, and that Mrs. S. asked him why he did that. I asked Kaylen what his response was, and I can see the panic wash across her face. She realizes she doesn't want to answer that question so she says C didn't answer Mrs. S. Then, she didn't hear his answer because he talks very softly. Then, she really backtracks and says that Mrs. S. really didn't ask C why he did that. Hmmm... Finally she really realizes she's not getting out of this lie, and she finally comes out with C told Mrs. S. that he did it because Kaylen did it to him first, and follows that up very quickly by, "but I really didn't!" (Again with the attempt at the convincing nodding.)

At this point, Jock and I have to take a step back. We realize that we probably won't ever know the truth about what happened when those kids were standing in line. So, we focus on the telling lies, changing her stories, not telling the truth right away.

We talk about some of the same things we always do. How, if you do something wrong, that we know you don't want to tell us, but that also lying about it is worse - because then you've done two things wrong rather than just one...

I think the thing that really sunk in was that if you keep telling lies, people/your friends will eventually realize that you're never telling the truth, and that they'll stop listening to you. She says, "but my friends listen to me now." Daddy says yes, but that they're young - they don't realize that they're not being told the truth. She's sly, and we, as adults and her parents know when she's lying. But, they'll learn and they'll figure it out, and they'll stop listening.

Knowing Kaylen's personality, it's not surprising that this part really sunk in to her. She just broke down and really cried about this. She has a very strong need to be heard, for people to pay attention to her. There have been times when I've just had to tell her that I'm not going to listen to her if she isn't going to tell me the truth. I think that really sunk in tonight.

So, Daddy goes on to talk about how she won't get in as much trouble if she comes and tells us something she did wrong right away. She's still very upset by all this, because she knows this is a hard thing to do, and says, "but it's hard to tell the truth!" Yes, he says, but isn't it easier if you come and tell us something right away, rather than waiting? She agreed, after we gave her some examples. A couple weeks ago, she was playing with her jewelry box. Now, she has one that has play jewelry and the other good jewelry she's not supposed to play with. I must have been gone, and she came down and told Daddy that she'd broken one of her necklaces, very upset about it. She remembered that Daddy had thanked her for telling him, and asked her to be more careful with her things. Nothing more. I think I sometimes am more harsh on her, so I had to think of an example too - a time she wasn't being careful turning pages in one of her big books, and accidentally ripped one of the pages. I taped it back up for her and asked her to be more careful... (and I think we had a few other examples too).

So, by this time it's about bedtime, and we've about talked this thing blue in the face (hence, the long rambling blog posts - sorry!). Jock and I had long finished our dinners, and I had her hurry up and finish while I cleaned up and Jock moved on to work on his laundry. I'm across the kitchen not even looking her way, and she says, "Mommy, I'm sorry. I just spilled some food on the table." Now this isn't a big deal, but we do get tired of telling her several times per meal to lean over her plate so she doesn't spill on clothes, table, floor, etc. I said, that's OK, that she should clean it up and use better manners so it doesn't happen again.

After dinner, she's upstairs, and she confesses to Daddy that she hasn't been wiping when she goes to the bathroom unless we're in there with her. (Which we knew because she complains sometimes at bath time that her bottom stings - she's kind of got a slight diaper rash most the time.) This one we've told her over and over, how unhealthy this is, but she just is always in a hurry to not miss something, and of course we're not watching her, because she's at school/daycare during the day, and she's old enough to go to the bathroom herself without us watching over her (or so we thought!)

...And a few other confessions between supper and bedtime. All were things we knew about, and obviously we just praised her for telling us and to try to do correct them. For her bedtime prayers, I didn't hear what she said, because I didn't make it upstairs in time - but I know that it wasn't the standard rhyme prayer she sometimes does. It sounded a bit like she was repeating the prayer we'd done earlier together about asking God to help her tell the truth.

Anyway, my point is, I think it really did sink in this time. I hope it sticks. I'm not delusional to think she'll never lie again, but I really think/hope that she really got it this time, and she really wants to tell the truth now.

And then, as a side effect to telling us the truth about things she's done wrong, maybe she'll start getting tired of telling us, and think about the rules and instructions we've given her before she acts, and we won't have to make so many mindless reminders or hear quite so many confessions.

Yikes! This makes me tired! But I'm excited for what I think was a breakthrough - finally! Praying tonight and in these next few weeks especially, that she really takes this to heart. Thinks about her words and her behaviors a lot more.

I think I'm going to also follow up this conversation this week with some other evidence rather than just Mom & Dad's talking. Maybe the story of the boy who cried wolf, the Sky is Falling story, and probably some other biblical stories as well. Maybe that will give her some other sources and help set it in too. We'll see how this goes...