Sorry I haven't been writing much lately. Mainly we've just had lots going on, but we've also been dealing with some poor behaviors. Senseless lying, heating/stealing, nasty attitudes, and disrespect can be so very draining and stressful.
I think most kids her age go through stages of this, but it's more than just your typical stuff. Starting to be mixed in with it are some self-esteem issues. She's very aware and sensitive to what others think about her – her looks, what she thinks, what she does, etc. I'm surprised that these things are occurring so early in life – it seems like I didn't go through those things until I was much older. Oh the joy! I know a lot of it has to do with her attachment issues. They definitely come and go, and we were in a low period.
With so many things going on, the behaviors had gotten a bit out of control. It's so hard to stay on top of the game, all the time! I also struggle with keeping things positive when I feel like I'm being disrespected or lied to – especially when I'm busy and tired! So that wasn't helping things either. Jock and I have had several discussions about how things were going and how things should go. We've prayed over the situations – with her and on our own. We've also had several family talks over the past few weeks, and I think we're back on the right track – or at least getting there.
A lot of trust was lost, but I think we're working on it. We're talking about that constantly and trying to create scenarios that will help her learn to earn and keep our trust. It seems really strange to me to have to be so literal about some of these things, but that's what she needs – along with constant reminders.
Some of the things we've done:
* Before certain questions are asked, we briefly mention something about trustworthiness and respect.
* Redirection towards nice attitudes and respectful speaking.
* Timeouts until the behavior can be apologized for and corrected.
* Reinforcing appreciation when good choices are made, when trustworthy behavior is displayed.
* Come up with certain scenarios that can help her earn our trust back – talking about how we're going to give her a decision and for her to think about what we would want her to do...
* Read "The Boy who Cried Wolf" (I couldn't remember it exactly, but found it online here.)
* Reviewing the 6 Character Counts pillars that they've gone over in school. (Character Counts in Iowa has an awesome parent guide!)
I'd love to hear how others have dealt with issues such as this, or any suggestions/resources you might be willing to share.
7 comments:
We're in the middle of a really low time too. It's so unpleasant. We'll be praying for your family.
Hugs,
Natalie
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. We're praying for you. Love you!!
Oops! The above comment was from me ... I didn't know I was on Mark's account!
It started with A that early and we are still dealing with it. He's 14 now and it is escalating. He was stealing out of his teacher's desks by that age too.
Just hang in there and stay consistent. It's really hard. And if she's like him, it doesn't get her anywhere. A chose this week to be rude and ugly in band, lie about it, get booted out of band, lost his chance to be in the h.s. band next year and got ISS even though he knew there are a couple big events coming up and that he could not have any incidents at school or home in order to go. Hmmm. Trade a fishing tournament on a charter boat for having your friends think you are cool at school.
Oh, and he told the principal to her face that she was lying about him to get him in trouble!! That didn't go over too well.
Sorry, didn't mean to ramble on your comment, just, I do understand. I'm there. Sounds like Natalie is there too. We will just all keep praying for each and try to stay sane.
Some day these kids will understand that God has an awesome plan for their lives and when they do these things, they are missing out on it.
She is not having any problems at school, just at home, so that's good. She is generally wanting to please us and isn't doing things just to be mean. She is remorseful when she is caught most of the time - she does not like the consequences.
I think it's mainly her making poor snap decisions and wanting to have control. So we're trying to give her some opportunities to make some decisions herself. However, also working on things like trusting us to be her parents and make rules that make sense even though they don't to her when we make decisions she may not like...
Thank you ladies for your prayers. Natalie & Kathy - we'll keep your families in our prayers as well. It's tough!
No advice or words of wisdom. Hopefully what you are doing works and she gets how you love her no matter what but that you love her too much to let her get away with things.
Oh Kayla - that's a constant communication as well - both verbally & otherwise.
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