Attachment Parenting

When people talk about adoption, attachment disorders often come up. Many people don't understand it. I cannot say that I fully understand it either, but I have learned a lot over the last almost-4 years. I thought I would share some things that could help others who might be working through attachment issues. I'm not looking for pity or criticism or even to share the intimate details of what's been going on in our house recently (I'll be vague to protect the privacy of our family). But rather, in the hopes of knowledge-sharing.

We have known for a while that we are dealing with some issues relating to attachment disorder. We do not see all the textbook signs/symptoms - but some. And, the issues we deal with are not severe in nature, but there are definitely ways we have to parent differently than a parent not dealing with attachment disorders would.

We have rarely been criticized openly regarding our parenting, but it has happened. We also sometimes feel judgement (stares, silence, etc.) regarding some of the parenting techniques we use. It's hard - really hard - to feel the judgement and criticism, especially from people who know little about adoption parenting, and those who do not know our family well.

Yes, there are many times we screw up. We say and do things that don't work or make things more difficult than they already are. WE are probably the harshest critics of our own parenting. When things don't work, we question whether we're doing the right thing or if we've just made things worse.

Another adoptive mom posted a list of things that others (and ourselves!) have thought or said with regard to attachment parenting. The ones that get me the most are, "They are so controlling", and "Oh, all children do that!" These comments are hard to combat. Unless you know a child intimately who has attachment issues, you cannot truly understand. As a parent, you just know that you're dealing with something different than typical childhood behaviors - it simply cannot always be explained.

We had a good deal of time the last several months where things were going quite well. The things we've been doing were really taking hold. Attitudes and behaviors improved, and connections were being made... Then the winter weather and the holidays came around. We probably loosened the reigns and let our guard down after the good times. We let go of some of our routines. We allowed more freedoms than we normally would... Things all came tumbling down.

We've been working through some tough emotions and behaviors lately. We've had to re-implement some strict boundaries and reset stricter limits on certain things. We've had many heart-to-heart conversations. We've added lots of extra devoted time. It seems to be helping.

I've been doing some research online recently for some attachment-building activities to do together when we're having hard days, but found much more information than I thought I was looking for. This website describes some basics about what sorts of signs/symptoms make up attachment disorders. Another website I found contains a wealth of suggestions for parenting a child with attachment disorder. I'm trying to implement some of these techniques as well.

We are having to take time out of other activities we'd rather be doing to work through this stuff. It is embarrasing, especially at the most inconvenient times, but it's what we have to do. And while we do, we are so thankful to our friends and family for being so supportive and allowing us the freedom, without criticism, to parent as we feel appropriate.

Please pray that we can continue to work through these issues, that our family can grow healthier attitudes, behaviors, and relationships. We are believing that God will help us become all the stronger as we work through this together.