Without going into too many details, we do have one child so far who has come up with some elaborate and some simple stories of things that she “remembers”. We have countered this not by calling them out as fantasies, as we really have little knowledge of how close to the truth they may or may not be.
However, comments like, “I didn’t know you could remember things when you were that young,” or "I've never heard of that before," or “Hmmmm, that doesn’t sound very good/nice,” or “Oh, that sounds like it would have been wonderful,” show that we empathize with them, while neither calling the story a lie or confirming it's truth. Either could be devastating to them when they’ve formed an opinion about a person whom they have a strong connection to, because of that story/memory.
What we also do is inform them with what we do know about their past, honestly, but making sure that the details shared are appropriate for their age. Comments such as, “She didn’t know how to take care of you to keep you safe and healthy, or “He/she loved you so much that they wanted you to live with a family that could keep you safe and healthy...” have been in the past or will be used in the future with our children. Further details will be discussed as the kids grow up and are old enough to understand certain situations.
Kaylen tends to be very curious about things, and tends to ask questions where the honest answers would be beyond the scope of her understanding. At times, we have to tell her that we know a little bit about the answer to that question, but don't feel like it's the right time to talk about that with her. She has generally been understanding about that too, and it shows her that we're trying to be honest while also not overwhelming her with such adult topics at her age.
On a related note, when questions are asked about the birth families, it's important to never speak negatively about them (although while still being truthful). This is something we learned in our foster parent training, but we've seen it in Kaylen as well. Speaking negatively about a birth parent can be devastating to a child. Even a child separated from a biological mom at birth can have a deep connection with her, and speaking negatively about that person could cause a bitter resentment towards you because of the fantasy they've developed in their mind.
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I recently connected with Jasmine's b.m. on my space. J knows her mom made poor choices and took drugs but I've also told her that she got her musical ability from her mother (assuming that on my part).
I can't remember if I've said this before or not but I am not kidding when I say that Haiti is probably mentioned every day around here. Sometimes it's just a simple thing like someone wants to watch Haiti movies or having mangoes for lunch. Other times it is the story telling by one child (or both). We gets lots of big stories too. Often because of their ages, it is stuff I know is not true. (ie having an alligator at the orphanage, eating ice cream every day, etc.) so I usually just say "I'm not sure that's true but if you want to pretend, that's just fine." Or "Are you telling a true story or a pretend one?" A lot of times, they know it's not true and can say that it's pretend which is a good skill for them to have.
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