A while back another adoptive mom challenged adoptive families to be more open about the challenges about adoption. I’ll be honest, when most people ask me how things are going or how the kids are doing, I tend to say that things are going really well. It’s true. I’ve been so impressed at how well Elijah & Josephine have adjusted to life in America – new family, new home, new language, new daycare, new routines, new rules, etc. But, yes, we have had our challenges too, with all three of our children.
Kaylen’s adoption was via the state system, so before she came to live with us, we had obtained our foster care license. This included a 30-hour training course, called PS-MAPP. It was team-taught by an foster/adoptive parent, and a case worker – who in our case, was also an experienced foster parent. The instructors draw from their extensive experience with children of various behaviors and backgrounds to give excellent examples throughout the course. It opened our eyes to a wealth of knowledge, much of which we’d never considered before. It really makes you consider certain scenarios that could develop, and how you would handle them – or even make you think about whether you’d be open to considering a child with certain behaviors/backgrounds.
Even having taken this class, I’d say that we still probably went into parenting with blinders on. And really, how much can you prepare for something, but until you’re really doing it, do you really know?! There have been certain issues that we had talked about and had known exactly how we would address, only to have changed the plan the minute the situation presented itself. Some things just depend on the child and how they take certain things, etc. It’s really been a learning experience, but then, what parenting experience isn’t?!
Some examples of issues we’ve had in our home with one or more children:
* Inappropriate actions towards strangers or even family acquaintances. For example, saying “I love you” and giving hugs to complete strangers, hugs and hanging on friends/teachers/distant family.
* Overly charming behaviors in public, immediately changed to disobedience when in t he home – or even when with one parent vs another. This includes false victimization for attention.
* Creating false memories or fantasizing regarding past (both positive and negative)
* Night terrors, and fear of even moderately loud household noises.
* Hoarding (toys, food, etc.)
* Gorging on food
* Stealing, cheating, blatant lying
* Acting out to seek attention, testing
* Medical issues, with unknown family medical histories
* Developmental delays – physical, social, educational
Obviously some of these things are or can be typical in some situations with children who weren’t adopted. I have been told this MANY times by other parents, “Oh, that’s normal, all/my kids do/did that.” I cannot exactly put into words how it is different for our children, in an environment where we are trying to promote attachment, but it is. We have even had family and very close friends tell us this, only to spend more time with us and/or our children, and realize what we mean.
I’ll address a few of these in more detail in the next few days.
3 comments:
They're right, a portion of it is normal, but what's not normal is the intensity or amount of times it happens. I've said it before that sometimes, whatever the issue is, you can't quite describe it and you can't quite put your finger on why it's offputting, but you know there is just something not normal about it.
Lisa,
thing's still pop up (very rarely now) with my son who has been home 8yrs. We recently moved and have talked about putting him in school instead of homeschooling him. Let's just say change isn't well liked!
When he was little nightterrors were the norm, lack of sleep for me was an everyday thing.Thought I had that one licked for good but in the last couple nights " MOOOM" has ben heard from his room.
Each child will process things alittle differanly.
God Bless,
Rose Anne
Rose Anne - luckily we're beyond the night terrors. My kids all sleep great except for one screamer when she's not feeling well. One also has trouble falling asleep, but the other two usually go to sleep right away. Two are very afraid of thunderstorms, but hoping that is less this summer than it was last summer.
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