Adoption Issues: Inappropriate Affection

The inappropriate actions towards stranger is another related behavior. All children likely go through a stage of this, but with adopted children it is more common, because the changes in who their parent(s) is/are, has been confusing to them. They have not had one or two people they could trust to meet their needs in their lifetime.

In response to this confusion, they often reach out to whomever is convenient or appealing to them (pretty hair/jewelry, looks like them, smiles at them, is having fun with their children, has a snack within eyesight, etc) to meet a need.

At times, this can be very difficult, emotionally, for an adoptive parent. For example, two of my children, at one point or another, have turned the other way for a hug and kiss from a daycare provider as soon as I’ve walked into the room to pick them up from their day there. Discussions have been had with daycare providers and also strangers, that we are working on appropriate boundaries with strangers, and would like them to not hug and kiss our child, etc.

Consider how difficult this would be with a good friend of yours. I give a hug to my good friends frequently. The child will follow suit, but may not even have met the friend before. Or, a very child-friendly acquaintance at church, who frequently gives hugs to children – even though they may not even know the child.

These are difficult situations to navigate, especially with adults not familiar with adoption and attachment issues. They may feel offended, or may also be very understanding. We’ve found high-fives to be a good alternative. Also, as I've become more experienced in my parenting, I'm more able to say to the random stranger whom my child gives a hug in Menards, who says, "Oh, that's OK" when I correct my child: “Well, we’re working on having appropriate boundaries with strangers...”